"Possible Reasons Why Nobody Has Commented on Your New Haircut" on Funny or Die

Someone might think you now look like Ryan Gosling—if Ryan Gosling happened to be a blindingly pale, overweight nonentity with the worst haircut of all time. More likely is the scenario that the general population will now confuse you with a life-sized pile of steaming, diseased excrement.

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"Valentine’s Day Gifts to Avoid This Year" on Funny or Die

2. The robe your third wife was wearing the day she “drowned” in the bath tub   

3. A voice memo of you humming the bass line from the Seinfeld theme song

4. Enormous stuffed bear wearing an “It ain’t gonna suck itself” t-shirt, delivered to his classroom 

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"20 Signs You Should Stop Going To Your Office Happy Hour" on Funny or Die

4. You’ll do literally anything to be accepted by Kevin the intern—especially now that he has the really good bath salts hookup.

5. In your experience, your office “happy hour” could more accurately be described as your “uncontrollable-meat-sweats-in-the-ladies-room hour.” And yet, you continue to order the BBQ pork shoulder plate

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