Monday, May 2, 2011

Old jokes.

Dear blurg.

Got some new humor coming later this month to the internet (SplitSider, specifically). And some other things that I'm working on.

Until then, here's something I wrote a long time ago for NewsGroper. Recycled, and not really relevant, at all.


Seeking: Experienced writer for fun new book project

By Osama Bin Laden*

Can you be sassy and ominous at the same time? Can you write in a style that is both educational and enjoyable? Do you ooze talent? If you answered yes to my questions, you may be a perfect candidate to ghostwrite my memoir!

This book will address the struggles I sometimes face as the leader of a global jihad who has been forced to plot the demise of the West while moving from cave to cave. I don’t have a title yet, but I’m thinking something along the lines of “My Struggles.” I may also include some discussion of the atrocities being meted out to the Muslim world in contemporary times by the Western world, or I may keep politics out of it; haven’t decided yet.

My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability to write in prose that is lively, fun, and entertaining; think David Sedaris, minus the homosexual, white infidel stuff.

If you are the man for the job, please submit a résumé and a 300 word response to one of the following questions (hint: be creative!):

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Unusable Stock Photo Caption Contest Round 1

"Completely unusable" stock photos have inspired me to challenge myself to a caption contest.

(Any submitted captions in the comments section would probably make me less than 100% guaranteed to win.. ahem).

Photo #1:

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Corrections and Clarifications: Tardigrades

It has been brought to my attention that the recently published piece "Fact or Fiction: Tardigrades" contains an error. In the first sentence of the first section (not an ideal place for an error), I incorrectly state that "tardigrades are able to withstand 5,000 gamma rays of radiation." 


For a remarkably comprehensive explanation of why this is incorrect, please see the email I received from scientist-to-be Florent Dellanoy, reposted with permission below:

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Oh hey Russian Wilford Brimley on mushrooms, that's a pretty small dinner table you and that dinosaur are singing to...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Clean Jokes About Crab Stuffed Flounders (in honor of National Crab Stuffed Flounder Day)

A traffic policeman pulls over a crab stuffed flounder and asks the crab stuffed flounder if he's been drinking.
"No," said the crab stuffed flounder, "I don't drink, and I don't smoke. I strive to live a clean, honest life."
"It smells like crabs in this car. Crabs and garlic. I feel like I might throw up," the traffic policeman replied.

A young crab stuffed flounder is being tucked into bed by his mother. 
"Now, before you go to sleep, I want you to pray really hard, okay?" the mother said.
"Actually, I don't usually make a habit of praying. I have nothing against people who do pray, it's just not for me," the crab stuffed flounder replied.
"You're getting melted fat and bread crumbs all over my new sheets. It's disgusting," the mother said.

A crab stuffed flounder walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"Alright pal, but just one beer, got it?" the bartender replied.
"Why only one?" the crab stuffed flounder asked.
"Don't you remember last time you were here? You drank so much that you threw up on the bar. You also groped several of the girls that were here. I had to ask you to leave," the bartender said.
"Oh, yes. I had forgotten about that night. I understand."